


Will You Stay With Me? (As Long As You Need Me)

by HowlsAttackOnPhandoms



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Both get drunk at one point, Enemies to Lovers, Forbidden Love, Heartbreak, Honjoong is a detective, I'm Bad At Tagging, Not Beta Read, Seonghwa is a Gang leader, Seonghwa keeps leaving, Seonghwa kills someone, Wooyoung is also a detective, they fall in love, woosan if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:41:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24502558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HowlsAttackOnPhandoms/pseuds/HowlsAttackOnPhandoms
Summary: Their story begins with Hongjoong spilling coffee all over Seonghwa, finding out only later that Seonghwa is actually the leader of the gang he was searching for when he crash lands in the others hideout. Attraction blooms between the two, forbidden as it is, and before long Hongjoong finds himself far deeper than he ever imagined.OR“Just for tonight. Make me forget.”Make me forgetthat we’re doomed to fail.Make me forgetthat I can never love you.Make me forgetthat you’ll be gone by the time I open my eyes.All these pleas hung in the air around them as Hongjoong looked deep in Seonghwa’s eyes. The elder didn’t need any more of an invitation before he lifted Hongjoong up, Hongjoong wrapping his legs around the elder’s waist as he was carried to the bedroom.True to his word Seonghwa made Hongjoong forget about everything. And true to himself, the elder wasn’t there when Hongjoong awoke the next morning.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 13
Kudos: 130





	Will You Stay With Me? (As Long As You Need Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> This is the longest story I've ever written so I've very proud of it. It was originally three separate small scenes that I decided to make into one cohesive story. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Dark eyes followed Hongjoong. He knew this yet he chose to ignore them, opting instead to laugh with San and Wooyoung in the crowded bar, cheap drinks in hand as he swayed to the shitty music being blasted through the speakers. Tonight he was out to enjoy himself. And nothing would stop him. 

As the evening continued, Hongjoong slowly became drained, the alcohol no longer feeling like a relief from his daily life but rather an unfair prison, caging him to his own mind. Though his thoughts were muddled, he still felt those eyes on him, watching his every move. Shaking his head, he decided he’d had enough. 

“I’m going to head out,” he yelled over the pounding music. 

“Don’t go hyung!” San pouted from his spot by Wooyoung’s side, giving Hongjoong the puppy eyes. The elder smiled as he ruffled San’s hair, causing the latter to yelp before jumping up to fix it. 

They attempted to get him to stay, gently pulling at his wrist, but Hongjoong shook them off. He was tired. He felt caged. He needed to get away. 

So with a friendly smile he left them, arms hugging his torso to keep warm as he walked along the dark streets towards his apartment. All of a sudden he felt the eyes disappear. As if gone with smoke, the suffocating feeling of his every move being observed vanished. He felt as if he could breathe again, but that freedom unnerved him. Shivering slightly in the wind, he opted to take the premonition for what it was and ignored it, continuing his journey. 

The keys jingled as he opened the door, throwing it closed behind him as he made his way into his apartment. He felt disgusting from his night out, deciding to take a shower to rinse off the smell of stale beer and sweaty bodies, warm water washing away the stress those eyes had put on him. Downing some comfortable clothes, Hongjoong settled down on the couch, TV turned on to some random cooking show.

Digging his nose into the fabric of his oversized hoodie, he breathed in deeply, a small smile gracing his features as he realized it still smelt faintly of the other. The familiar comforting scent of the others cologne caused his muscles to relax instantly. Hongjoong would never admit to it but somewhere buried very deep inside of himself, he missed the elder. With thoughts of chocolate brown eyes, he fell into a fitful sleep, nose still buried deep into the fabric of his hoodie. 

The bang against Hongjoong’s door echoed through the silent apartment, causing Hongjoong to almost fall off the couch where he’d fallen asleep. Heart racing out of his chest, he looked around, grabbing the first item he could find, in this case a lamp, as a weapon in case of an intruder. Silence ensued. Carefully, he inched his way towards the door, hands grasping the lamp tightly as he listened, hearing sounds eerily similar to ragged breathing on the other side. With one fluid swoop, he yanked open the door, lamp at the ready. 

What he wasn’t expecting was Seonghwa, back having leant against the door, to fall into his apartment. What he also wasn’t expecting was the blood seeping through the side of Seonghwa’s torn shirt, bruises marring his beautiful features. 

The lamp cluttered out of his grasp. 

“Seonghwa,” Hongjoong breathed as he fell to his knees next to the elder, hands hovering, unsure of where to touch. He decided on Seonghwa’s face, gently moving the others head to assess the damage. Fear crept into his heart as the other just groaned, eyes screwed shut in pain, biting his lower lip to keep himself grounded. 

“Shhhh it’s okay. You’re okay,” Hongjoong muttered, whether to himself or Seonghwa he wasn’t sure. He stroked Seonghwa’s face, carding his fingers through the elder’s hair before saying slowly, “I’m going to have to move you.” 

He eyed Seonghwa’s feet still sticking out of his door into the hallway as he tried to think of the best way to move the other without hurting him. He knew that attempting to move him was going to hurt the elder a lot regardless of what he tried, but he had to get him inside. Placing a gentle kiss on Seonghwa’s forehead, Hongjoong brushed the other’s hair away as he laid Seonghwa’s head back onto the floor from where he’d placed it in his lap. He positioned his hands under Seonghwa’s arms, bracing himself. 

“On three alright. One, two, three-“ Hongjoong tugged on Seonghwa, the elder biting back a cry of pain as his beaten body was moved into the apartment, Hongjoong immediately closed the door before dropping back down next to Seonghwa. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Hongjoong murmured as he stroked Seonghwa’s head, mumbling gentle reassurances as the elder gasped for air, pitiful groans resounding in the silent apartment. 

While Seonghwa was experiencing a pain he’d never felt before, he’d never be able to forget the image of Hongjoong cringing next to him, the younger carding his fingers through his hair as he bit back tears, repeating “You’re okay” over and over again. Seonghwa closed his eyes, unable to look at Hongjoong anymore, shame for appearing in front of the other in this condition momentarily taking over the pain. 

“I’m going to go get the first aid kit. I’ll be right back,” Hongjoong whispered, one final stroke over Seonghwa’s head before he disappeared down the hall. Wiping at his eyes, he hurried to his bathroom, gathering all the first aid supplies he could find before rushing back to where he’d left Seonghwa in the entry way. Seonghwa’s eyes were still closed as Hongjoong carefully opened the buttons of his shirt, pulling the obstructing material away. To his relief Hongjoong only saw one angry red gash on Seonghwa’s pale skin along his side and upon further inspection he realized it wasn’t even that deep. What did concern him though were the various red spots littering the elders chest that he knew would turn into nasty bruises, but those would just take time to heal. 

Tending to the spot on Seonghwa’s side didn’t take particularly long as Hongjoong worked diligently to make the bleeding stop. He hesitated when it became time to put on the disinfectant. 

“Seonghwa, I’m going to apply the disinfectant now. Squeeze my hand if you need a break ok?” Hongjoong intertwined his fingers with Seonghwa, observing the elder until Seonghwa gave a slight movement of his head, indicating that he’d heard. Biting his lip Hongjoong gently started dabbing around the wound, seeing how much pain he was causing Seonghwa. The black haired man remained still, hand still loosely tied with Hongjoong’s. Holding his breath, Hongjoong wiped across the wound, eliciting a small cry from Seonghwa, as the elder squeezed his hand tightly. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Seonghwa. Just one more time okay?” The words continued to tumble out of Hongjoong’s mouth as he wiped away the sweat from Seonghwa’s forehead, noting how the elder’s eyes were screwed shut. 

Taking a deep breath, Hongjoong wiped across the gash again, attempting to get as much blood off as possible in one go. Seonghwa cried out again, his hold on Hongjoong’s hand never lessening. 

“Shhh, Shhh, it’s okay. I’m done now.” As Hongjoong attempted to get Seonghwa to calm down, he worked quickly, covering the wound. Grabbing two advil out of their bottle, he shoved them down Seonghwa’s throat, giving him a quick kiss on the forehead before getting up. Seonghwa’s grip on his hand tightened, his silent plea for Hongjoong to stay. 

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just getting you some water. I’ll be right back,” Hongjoong said, gently detangling Seonghwa’s fingers from his own. He hurried to the kitchen, grabbing a glass before going into his bedroom to grab a pillow and blanket. 

By the time he came back to his entry way, Seonghwa’s breathing had evened out. Hongjoong took a moment to observe the other, not believing that he was really there. His heart felt a little lighter just being in the others presence, knowing that he was still alive and, for the most part, doing okay. It had been months since they last saw each other and it finally caught up to Hongjoong just how much he’d really missed Seonghwa. 

_They had originally met when Hongjoong accidentally spilled coffee all over Seonghwa at a coffee shop some two years prior._

_Embarrassing couldn’t even begin to cover how awkward the situation was, Hongjoong managing to run straight into Seonghwa as he entered the shop, headphones in and music blaring. Hongjoong had just stood there in shock, watching the brown liquid stain the strangers immaculate suit. Wide eyes met confused (and slightly amused) ones as Hongjoong started mumbling apologies, grabbing napkins as he attempted to clean up his mess._

_“It’s alright,” the stranger mused, grabbing Hongjoong’s wrist to stop him from dabbing at the other man’s abdomen. Hongjoong blushed bright red as he realized what he was doing._

_“I’m so sorry sir. I’ll pay for the dry cleaning. And I’ll buy you another coffee. I’m really sorry-“_

_One glare from the stranger shut Hongjoong up quick._

_“I told you that it’s fine. You don’t have to apologize,” the stranger reprimanded sternly. Hongjoong shivered a little as the strangers intense gaze looked him up and down, taking in his somewhat shabby appearance._

_It was in that moment that Hongjoong made the mistake of actually looking at this stranger. He was tall, Hongjoong noticed, immaculately dressed and not a hair out of place as it was pushed out of his face, forehead clearly visible. Soft looking lips were pulled into a straight line as one perfectly styled eyebrow cocked up, giving Hongjoong a questioning look. The shorter flushed again at the prospect of having been caught staring._

_“At least let me buy you a new coffee. It’s the least I can do,” Hongjoong begged. With a sigh the stranger agreed, lips quirking up a little at Hongjoong’s elated smile._

_He soon found out that the stranger’s name was Seonghwa and before long (Hongjoong still to this day doesn’t know how he did it) they were both sitting in a booth in the corner, talking. With every word coming out of Seonghwa’s mouth, Hongjoong found himself more and more intrigued._

_“What do you do for a living?” Hongjoong asked, sipping at his coffee. Seonghwa scoffed, looking away before saying carefully, “I can’t tell you.”_

_Surprise laced with confusion marred Hongjoong’s features as he observed the man in front of him._

_“Is it …illegal?” Hongjoong prodded carefully, questioning._

_Seonghwa laughed. He still didn’t answer the question._

_“What about you? What kind of work do you do?” Seonghwa asked._

_“Oh I work for the police department. Detective unit,” Hongjoong answered proudly. “We’re currently working on tracking down various gang members in the city…”_

_Seonghwa frowned slightly at Hongjoong’s response before picking up his coffee, using it as a distraction. Hongjoong was too absorbed discussing his work to notice._

_“You’re beautiful,” Seonghwa murmured at one point while Hongjoong was ranting about Wooyoung stealing his coffee at work, causing the younger to flush all the way down his chest._

_Hours went by with mindless chatter, Hongjoong enjoying his time more than he thought he would. Seonghwa was an effortlessly charming individual, his boxy awkward smile causing a warm feeling to start in Hongjoong’s chest._

_Leaving the coffee shop, Hongjoong couldn’t help but wish that their time didn’t have to end. It’d been a while since he’d had such a nice time with any kind of romantic interest, something his friends consistently teased him about._

_“I had a really good time. I’m kind of glad I ran into you,” Hongjoong said, only slightly apologetic as he kicked at the sidewalk, avoiding Seonghwa’s piercing gaze._

_“I did too,” Seonghwa replied after a beat of silence, seeming a bit surprised by his own answer._

_“Would it be possible for me to see you again? Only if you want to, of course,” Hongjoong rushed to say, biting his lip in nervous anticipation._

_Seonghwa stopped in his tracks, causing Hongjoong to turn around to face him. There was something almost regretful in Seonghwa’s eyes._

_“As much as I would like that, I can’t.”_

_Hongjoong tried not to let the words sting but he’d always been bad with rejection._

_“Oh. I understand,” he replied, hoping the smile he gave was convincing. Seonghwa must have seen through it because he sighed, rubbing at his eyes._

_“Look, its got nothing to do with you. It’s just that… we aren’t… compatible. And as much as I like you, that isn’t going to change.” The regret was now clear to read on Seonghwa’s face as he looked at Hongjoong._

_“No, no, its okay. I’m still glad that I got to spend my afternoon with you,” Hongjoong said, his smile genuine this time, though still a little sad. “It was nice to meet you, Seonghwa.”_

_Seonghwa gave Hongjoong a curt nod before wishing him a good evening. Hongjoong walked away fist, not looking back._

_“He was honestly one of the cutest yet sexiest guys I’ve ever seen,” Hongjoong complained to Wooyoung at work the next day. “There was a cloud of mystery around him but I’ve never seen eyes more genuine.”_

_Wooyoung laughed at his plight, poking at Hongjoong’s side while the other moped, the elder swatting at Wooyoung’s hands to get him to stop._

_“Hongjoong has a crush~ Hongjoong has a crush~” Wooyoung singsonged as he moved out of Hongjoong’s grasp._

_Their banter was interrupted by their boss entering the room, informing them of a new case, a gang leader working underground that they’d just gotten wind of. His name: MARS._

A groan from Seonghwa pulled Hongjoong out of his trip down memory lane, the younger rushing over to place the elders head on the pillow before spreading the blanket over him. 

“I don’t want to move you anymore so you’re going to have to sleep here,” Hongjoong muttered regretfully as he made sure all of Seonghwa was under the blanket. 

The whole ordeal seemed to have taken a toll on the elder, his eyes starting to flutter closed not too long after. But before he fell asleep completely, he looked at Hongjoong’s concerned eyes, whispering “I didn’t know…where…else to go.” 

Hongjoong smiled down at Seonghwa, wiping the sweat off of his brown as he murmured, “You don’t have to explain.” 

Dark eyes pierced his own as Seonghwa finally nodded, drifting off to sleep. Hongjoong waited until the others breath evened out before laying down on the floor next to him, a small smile on his face as he took Seonghwa’s hand in his. 

When Hongjoong awoke the next morning he found himself in his bed, tucked in, as if he’d fallen asleep there. The only reminders of the night he’d had were a careless button on his floor and a simple note in Seonghwa’s distinct writing.

“Thank you.”

****************************************  
Hongjoong didn’t hear from Seonghwa again for months. He wished he could say he didn’t care. But he’d be lying. He could still feel the dark eyes on him, that feeling being the only thing that made his day bearable, knowing that somewhere the other lurked, watching.

The next time any news of Seonghwa came through was when he got a call confirming the other had been captured. 

“He’s in custody now. They’re bringing him to the station for questioning,” Wooyoung said over the phone, having been called to help with Seonghwa’s arrest. 

“Oh good,” Hongjoong said a little relieved, thankful to finally be aware of the other’s whereabouts. “Was anyone injured?” 

Was Seonghwa injured, is what he really wanted to ask. But no one knew of their rather strange relationship. There was no way anyone would understand why the detective hunting a gang leader fell in love with said leader. 

“No, thankfully not. A couple shots were fired but they all missed,” Wooyoung answered, his voice slightly muffled as he talked to someone off the phone. 

Hongjoong breathed out a sigh of relief. 

“Something just came up with the transport, I-“ Wooyoung’s voice cut off.

“Wooyoung? Is everythi-“

The smell of ash filled the room before hands snaked around Hongjoong’s torso, pulling him tight against a well known muscled chest, stopping him mid sentence.

“Give me the phone,” Seonghwa’s smooth voice whispered, lips ghosting over his ear. Hongjoong shuddered, closing his eyes as he felt Seonghwa’s breath on his cheek before shakily handing over the receiver. 

“Thank you sweetheart,” he heard Seonghwa murmur. 

Seonghwa dialed some number, voice quiet as he talked to his presumed henchmen. 

The rest of the call was a mystery as Hongjoong was too caught up in Seonghwa’s hands on his waist, drawing soothing circles on the bare skin underneath his shirt. Hongjoong could hear his heart pounding in his own ears as Seonghwa’s soothing voice flowed over him, the elders strong chest acting as his support. Hongjoong leaned his head back into the others shoulder as Seonghwa tightened his hold on him, relishing the other’s warmth. 

The fuzzy feeling Hongjoong got in his chest whenever he was near the elder erupted full force as he felt comfortable and safe for the first time in months, right in the others embrace. 

The beeping of the phone brought Hongjoong back to reality and before he knew it Seonghwa was nosing at his ear, kissing the sensitive spot there. 

“Miss me?” Seonghwa murmured, continuing to work his way down Hongjoong’s neck, sucking a spot at the junction of his throat and collarbone, leaving Hongjoong breathless. All his inhibitions out the window, he didn’t stop his answer. 

“Oh god yes,” Hongjoong groaned as he spun around in Seonghwa’s arms, foreheads touching as they breathed in the same air. Hongjoong’s hands tangled in the elders hair at the nape of his neck, breath ghosting over Seonghwa’s face before he couldn’t take it anymore. 

Electricity shot through both of them when their lips finally touched, Hongjoong kissing Seonghwa as if he’d been starved of air. Seonghwa happily obliged when Hongjoong licked the roof of his mouth, tongues dancing a tango as hands grasped for any leverage they could find. Desperation mixed with desire, and something a little sweet, as Hongjoong ripped Seonghwa’s shirt open, buttons flying everywhere as his hands traveled across the wide expanse of taunt muscles. Seonghwa didn’t even seem to notice the mess his shirt had become, too busy tugging Hongjoong’s shirt over his head, marveling the other’s lean physique before diving back in, nipping along Hongjoong’s throat, causing the other to release a guttural groan. Hands fisted in Seonghwa’s hair as he sucked on Hongjoong’s neck surely leaving various marks in his way but he needed the world to know that this man was his. And only his. 

Hongjoong couldn’t feel anything anymore, too lost in a world of pleasure as Seonghwa worked his way down his body. Once the other had kissed his way to Hongjoong’s navel he couldn’t take it anymore, dragging Seonghwa back up so he could capture his lips. 

“Just for tonight. Make me forget.” 

_Make me forget_ that we’re doomed to fail. _Make me forget_ that I can never love you. _Make me forget_ that you’ll be gone by the time I open my eyes. 

All these pleas hung in the air around them as Hongjoong looked deep in Seonghwa’s eyes. The elder didn’t need any more of an invitation before he lifted Hongjoong up, Hongjoong wrapping his legs around the elder’s waist as he was carried to the bedroom. 

True to his word Seonghwa made Hongjoong forget about everything. And true to himself, the elder wasn’t there when Hongjoong awoke the next morning. 

*************************************

“What happened to you? You look like you were attacked by a rabid animal,” Wooyoung joked the next morning. 

Hongjoong groaned as he pulled his turtle neck higher, hoping to cover the purple marks all over his neck. 

“I had a surprise visitor is all,” he muttered, rubbing at his eyes sleepily. 

Seonghwa had not gone easy on him last night after showing up at his apartment, but the marks would stay longer than the other ever would. Part of Hongjoong was hurt, waking up alone in his apartment with rumbled sheets and the smell of sex still in the air. The feelings of loneliness never felt so crushing as in those moments. But he knew that Seonghwa could never be his, just like he could never be Seonghwa’s. The other had made that perfectly clear when the met all those years ago and Hongjoong had accepted that fact, though it didn’t stop his heart from longing. 

Longing to show the other off to his friends and family. Longing to go out and eat dinner at a restaurant as opposed to the occasional takeout they’d get when Seonghwa decided to show up after months. Longing to wake up in his arms. 

Longing to feel safe. Taken care of. Loved. 

“A surprise visitor? And how come I don’t know about them?” Wooyoung prodded as he slumped down next to Hongjoong’s desk, the elder groaning as he buried his face in his arms. 

“Because it was a one time thing,” Hongjoong muttered, the words tasting like chalk in his mouth. 

“You had a one night stand with some random guy you met who destroyed your neck and left you feeling remorseful?” Wooyoung cocked an eyebrow at Hongjoong. 

Hongjoong waved him off. 

“Tell me about this arrest last night. Your call cut off in the middle so I didn’t get to hear the rest,” Hongjoong asked, even though he knew how the story ended. 

“It was a shit show. We had him, in the car and everything. The car was on the way back and it just got a flat somehow and while the officers were out looking at it, the car exploded,” Wooyoung looked perturbed as he recounted the events. 

“You’re kidding,” Hongjoong said in surprise. That would explain the scorch marks on Seonghwa’s hands from the night before and the slight ash on his face. Seonghwa had seemed perfectly alright though so he must have gotten out before the blast. “He seemed alright though,” he murmured to himself. 

“I wish I were. They’re still investigating how he got out but the handcuffs were placed on the sidewalk right next to the cops as they watched the car burn so he must have slipped out right under their noses,” Wooyoung replied, shaking his head. A second later, “What do you mean he seemed alright?”

Hongjoong’s wide eyes met Wooyoung’s questioning ones. 

“I uhh.. It’s nothing. Just thinking out loud,” Hongjoong stammered, hoping that Wooyoung would just drop the subject. 

“Hongjoong, what is going on? Who seemed alright?” Wooyoung fixed him with a hard glare as he waited for Hongjoong to answer. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hongjoong deflected, turning towards his computer. 

“Hongjoong,” Wooyoung warned. 

“Alright. But I can’t…Not here,” Hongjoong eventually sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. “Come by later.” 

He knew the ensuing conversation was going to tear him to shreds as Wooyoung looked at him skeptically for the rest of the day. 

Later that evening, a knock sounded on Hongjoong’s door, signaling that Wooyoung had arrived. Still trying to button up his shirt after taking a shower, Hongjoong just tugged the door open before standing face to face with none other than Seonghwa. His jaw dropped as the elder pushed past him into the apartment, closing the door behind himself. 

“You don’t look happy to see me,” Seonghwa muttered as he removed Hongjoong’s hands from his shirt, helping the younger button it up all the way. 

Hongjoong remained flabbergasted at Seonghwa’s appearance, the other never showing up two days in a row. 

“What the fuck?” He finally managed as Seonghwa closed the last button. 

“Is that all you can say?” The elder chuckled. 

Leaning down, Seonghwa captured Hongjoong’s lips, kissing him sweetly as he’d never done before, lips moving languidly as if they had all the time in the world. For a moment Hongjoong forgot that Seonghwa was an escaped gang leader and that Wooyoung was coming over. 

For a moment it was only the two of them. 

But he remembered it quickly when said detective started banging on the door, screaming “Hongjoong!” 

Hongjoong pulled away from Seonghwa, observing the other’s flushed cheeks and dilated pupils as he started shoving him toward the bedroom. 

“You can’t be here. Wooyoung works with me and he doesn’t know. He can’t see you,” Hongjoong hissed as he pushed Seonghwa towards his closet. “Please you have to hide.” 

Seonghwa moved out of Hongjoong’s grasp, holding onto the others wrists as he looked at Hongjoong’s troubled face. 

“It’s okay. He won’t find me,” Seonghwa murmured, kissing Hongjoong one last time before squeezing his hand, disappearing into the closet. Hongjoong held his hands to his lips, still not believing that Seonghwa was actually here. 

Taking a deep breath Hongjoong ran to the front door, yanking it open to let Wooyoung into the apartment. 

“What took you so long? I’ve been standing here for almost 4 minutes,” Wooyoung complained walking in as if he owned the place. 

“Nice to see you too,” Hongjoong muttered as he followed Wooyoung to the kitchen. 

The latter waltzed into the kitchen, immediately opening Hongjoong’s fridge to rummage around it while Hongjoong sat down at his island, waiting for the onslaught of questions. 

“So explain,” Wooyoung said, sitting leaning against the counter opposite Hongjoong as downed some water. 

“You must have misunderstood earlier. When I said ‘he seemed alright’ I was referring to the guy I was with last night. I can’t really talk much about him in public because he’s sort of a private person,” Hongjoong explained, hoping that Wooyoung would buy into his lie. 

The other seemed skeptical, watching Hongjoong like a hawk before sighing, seeming to have given up. 

“This guy you were with, was it really a one night stand? The way you talked about him made it seem like you were in love with him or something,” Wooyoung said. 

Hongjoong stopped. 

“I what? In love? That’s ridiculous,” Hongjoong laughed, hoping his voice didn’t betray him. He knew he felt something for Seonghwa, had for a while now but he could never admit it to himself for fear of falling. 

Seonghwa would never be his and he would never be Seonghwa’s. What was the point of loving him? Longing, sure. Sexual desire, absolutely. But not love. Never love. 

“It’s not ridiculous. I knew San was the one for me the moment I saw him in that cafe years ago. Wasn’t necessarily a one night stand but you get the point,” Wooyoung countered. 

“Yeah I guess but still. It’s not love. It can’t be,” Hongjoong tapered off, staring at his hands on the counter. 

“Whatever you say macho man. I’m gonna use your bathroom,” Wooyoung said, leaving Hongjoong stewing in his own thoughts. 

He knew what he felt for Seonghwa was deeper than he’d ever felt with anyone else. Whenever the elder appeared in his life Hongjoong felt happy, deeply so, in a way nothing else could satisfy. And despite their career choices, he felt a sense of comfort and security when he was with Seonghwa. 

Was he in love with him? No, he couldn’t be. But what if he was? What would happen to them? They’d agreed never to feel attachment to each other since they never knew when they were going to see each other next. Would Seonghwa never want to see him again if-

“KIM HONGJOONG!” 

He almost fell off his chair as Wooyoung’s scream interrupted his train of thought. Rushing towards the noise he entered his bedroom to find a disbelieving Wooyoung pointing his gun at a calm looking Seonghwa. His heart dropped. 

“You have some explaining to do,” Wooyoung hissed, glaring at Seonghwa. 

Before Hongjoong could even think, he placed himself in front of Seonghwa, pushing the other behind him. 

“Wooyoung, put the gun down. He’s not going to hurt you,” Hongjoong said, arms raised out in front of himself to get the other to lower the gun. Wooyoung watched him with pure shock as he realized that Hongjoong had positioned himself in the line of fire to protect a wanted gang leader. 

“You…what are you…I don’t understand. I just heard some noise in the closet and when I go to look, all of a sudden one of the most wanted criminals in the city walks out. How…” He narrowed his eyes before slowly lowering the gun. “Explain.” 

So Hongjoong did. He explained how the two of them had met two years prior in the coffee shop on accident, how they’d separated never expecting to see each other again only for Hongjoong to fall right into Seonghwa’s lap during their first raid. 

_It hadn’t been Hongjoong’s proudest moment, entering the musky warehouse undercover because they needed to gather intel. He’d volunteered, as per usual, but he did regret his decision a little when he was ambushed and tied to a chair, earpiece ripped out and smashed._

_“What do we have here?” an eerily familiar voice asked, walking up out of the shadows towards Hongjoong’s beaten figure on the chair._

_Hongjoong was about to retort when the other stepped into the light, Hongjoong’s response faltering at the realization that Seonghwa was standing right in front of him._

_“Well that’s a surprise,” Seonghwa murmured cooly before turning to the other men in the room. “You are dismissed but stay close by. I’ll deal with this.”_

_“Yes sir,” they responded before bowing deeply, casting Hongjoong one last vicious glance before leaving._

_“Fancy meeting you here again. Couldn’t get enough of me I see?” Seonghwa smirked, pulling up a chair and sitting down across from Hongjoong, legs crossed in his immaculate suit._

_“You’re MARS, aren’t you?” Hongjoong questioned, his confusion quickly clearing up at the realization of Seonghwa’s identity._

_“You catch on quick, detective. Yes, I am MARS. Clever play on words don’t you think?” Seonghwa tapped his chin as if contemplating, eyeing Hongjoong. “You’re being awfully quiet. Aren’t you going to beg for your life? Or are you just going to try to gather as much information as possible before attempting to escape?”_

_Hongjoong scoffed. “You’re not going to hurt me.”_

_Seonghwa raised an eyebrow before getting up, walking towards Hongjoong._

_“You’re being awfully cocky for someone beaten and tied to a chair, completely at my mercy,” Seonghwa purred, grabbing the hair at the back of Hongjoong’s neck to pull his head back._

_Hongjoong’s eyes glinted, jaw clenched as he felt Seonghwa’s breath on his face._

_“And what are you going to do about it?” He countered quietly, a sort of anticipation hanging in the air._

_It only took a second before Seonghwa tugged him forward, lips crashing into his as Hongjoong groaned. Seonghwa’s lips tasted slightly of coffee and were filled with an urgency unlike anything Hongjoong had ever experienced. He quickly nipping at Hongjoong’s lower lip as the younger gasped, his tongue exploring Hongjoong’s mouth with expertise. Hongjoong couldn’t help the sounds that escaped his lips as Seonghwa made him forget the world around him, the only thing existing being the feel of his lips._

_Hongjoong had never been kissed like that before. Sure he’d had his fair share of one night stands and a few occasional boyfriends but never had anyone filled him with such desire, a craving for something more, something deeper._

_He tugged at his restraints, wanting to touch the elder, but the ropes held tight, causing him to whine in frustration. Seonghwa pulled back, both parties gasping for air, as Hongjoong observed his dilated pupils and flushed cheeks, lips slick with Hongjoong’s spit. He looked absolutely wrecked and all they had done was kiss._

_Clearing his throat, Seonghwa removed his hand from Hongjoong’s hair, straightening his suit jacket before stepping away from the younger._

_“My apologies. That shouldn’t have happened,” Seonghwa said, wiping invisible dust off his suit while avoiding Hongjoong’s eyes._

_Hongjoong’s heart dropped at little at the comment. Why was this stranger, who he should be arresting for all the crime’s he’s committed, making his heart flutter? Why was he so affected by him?_

_“That’s alright. I can’t really say I didn’t enjoy it,” Hongjoong replied, wanting to smack himself for allowing the words to leave his mouth._

_Seonghwa furrowed his eyebrows a little before dismissing Hongjoong’s comment, stuffing his hands in his pockets._

_“One of my men will make sure you make it to safety. And I hope, for both of our sakes, that this is the last time I see you, Kim Hongjoong.” With a courteous nod of his head, Seonghwa disappeared into the shadows._

_They must have drugged Hongjoong somewhere along the way because when he woke up he found himself lying on a bench next to a river, phone in one pocket and a little note in the other._

_“In case you should need it. 003-238-4297.”_

_Hongjoong continued chasing Seonghwa though their meeting in the warehouse was always at the back of his mind. More often than not he found himself wondering what the other was doing, his chest warming a little at every notion that Seonghwa had evaded capture. It wasn’t until 2 months after their meeting that Hongjoong saw Seonghwa again, though this time on different terms._

_The apartment was silent as Hongjoong padded across his living room, towel around his neck from his shower as he plopped down on the couch, putting some shitty cooking show on the TV. While Hongjoong himself couldn’t cook for shit, cooking shows were his vice._

_Just as he was settling down he heard a banging at his door. None of he neighbors interacted with him much and Wooyoung was out with San that night, so there was no reason for anyone to be knocking at his door. He carefully peaked through the peephole on his door only to find his jaw dropping as he saw Seonghwa on the other side._

_“What the fuck,” he muttered as he pulled the door open._

_Seonghwa swayed a little as the door opened suddenly, eyes narrowing as he took in Hongjoong standing on the other side._

_“Are you drunk?” Hongjoong gasped, as Seonghwa clumsily nodded his head, his suit rumbled from his drinking escapade. Before Hongjoong could properly process what was happening Seonghwa pushed his way past him into the apartment_

_“Hey hey hey hold on! You can’t just waltz into my apartment unannounced and drunk,” Hongjoong complained picking Seonghwa’s jacket up off the floor from where he’d carelessly thrown it. “Where do you think you’re going?”_

_“‘course I can. I just…did,” Seonghwa muttered, his voice muffled as he smushed his face in Hongjoong’s pillow. “And ‘m tired. So ‘m going…to bed.”_

_“No you’re not. You’re leaving. There’s no way in hell I’d let some guy I met twice sleep in my bed,” Hongjoong hissed, tugging on Seonghwa’s arm. The other was surprising heavy though and no matter how hard Hongjoong tried (and believe him he tried), he couldn’t get Seonghwa to move._

_“Up. Now. You’re not staying here-“ Hongjoong felt Seonghwa pull on his arm and before he knew it, he was on the bed, Seonghwa curled around him like a cat._

_“No, no, no. Get off me!” He attempted to claw at Seonghwa’s arms but the other held fast, face buried in Hongjoong’s hair as he took a deep breath._

_“S’ warm… smell… nice…” Seonghwa murmured, eyes already closed as his breath evened out, letting Hongjoong know that he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon._

_The other reeked of alcohol, causing Hongjoong to scrunch up his nose but he couldn’t help but steal a glance at the others sleeping face._

_Seonghwa looked so peaceful when he slept, the complete opposite of the seeming composed gang leader that he was in real life. His face had a slight pink hue from all the alcohol and he snored softly, hair falling across his face. Hongjoong couldn’t help himself as he gently brushed the hair out of the others eyes, finger tips trailing lightly across his face. A warm feeling flooded his chest, heart fluttering before bashfully looking away, telling himself he should be angry at Seonghwa from barging into his apartment and sleeping on his bed._

_But Hongjoong wouldn’t complain. Not when he fell asleep to warm arms enveloping him in a tight embrace._

_The next morning Seonghwa was gone. Hongjoong wasn’t sure if he hadn’t just dreamed the entire thing but the suit jacket he found at the foot of his bed told him otherwise._

“…And from there we just sort of started meeting more often. Every once in a while he shows up at my door and I don’t push him away. I know it doesn’t make much sense but please Wooyoung, you have to understand,” Hongjoong pleaded. 

Wooyoung eyed him with tired eyes, the shock at the entire ordeal still evident in his features. He groaned as he ran a hand through his hair, letting out an exasperated sigh. 

“So the guy you were with last night, the one that ‘seemed alright’ was Seonghwa?” Wooyoung questioned. 

Hongjoong gave an abashed nod of his head, not meeting Wooyoung’s eyes. 

“I’m really sorry for not telling you Wooyoung but I know its hard to accept. It took us a while to figure out what we wanted from each other and I can’t very well saying anything to anyone. He’s a wanted criminal and I’m supposed to be chasing him. The fact that we hook up occasionally won’t exactly fly well,” Hongjoong said, a little desperate for Wooyoung to understand. 

Seonghwa gently took Hongjoong’s hand in his, immediately calming the other as he rubbed soothing circles with his thumb. Hongjoong could feel himself deflate a little, a sense of comfort flooding over him at the simple gesture. 

Wooyoung bristled. “So instead you decide to keep this all secret? Did you forget your job Hongjoong? He’s killed people, stolen money, sold drugs and yet you’re hiding the fact that you’re sleeping with him?” Wooyoung stared at him in disbelief. 

“I don’t think I know who you are anymore.” With one last look at Hongjoong’s shocked face, Wooyoung stormed out of the room. 

“Wooyoung please-“ Hongjoong went to go after his friend, Seonghwa’s hand stopping him. 

“Let him go. He needs some time to process everything he just learned. Just give him some space,” Seonghwa murmured, holding Hongjoong close as the other screwed his eyes shut, burying his face in Seonghwa’s chest. 

“I never thought he would find out,” Hongjoong sobbed, hands twisted into the fabric of Seonghwa’s jacket. “It hurts,” he whispered. 

“Shh, its okay. I’m right here,” Seonghwa said gently, hand carding through Hongjoong’s hair before carefully moving the other to the bed to lay down. Once in the bed Hongjoong wrapped himself around Seonghwa like a vine, legs tangled under the sheets as he sobbed into the others chest, Seonghwa whispering gentle reassurances in hopes of calming the younger. 

“It’s all going to be okay. He’ll come around, you’ll see.”

That’s how Hongjoong fell asleep in Seonghwa’s arms for the second night in a row. And just like any other, Hongjoong woke up alone. 

**********************************

It took Wooyoung a week to start speaking to Hongjoong again and even then it was only short sentences related to work. 

Hongjoong couldn’t say that he’d slept well that week, the stress of fighting with one of his closest friends weighing heavily on him. And it was on his second night with no sleep that Wooyoung showed up at his door with an angry looking San beside him. 

They all entered the apartment quietly, Hongjoong going to turn on the coffee maker before grabbing three cups out of the cupboard, unwilling to break the tense silence. 

San was the first to speak. 

“This stops now. Whatever the hell you two have going on between you two, talk it out. I’m tired of listening to you complain about how Hongjoong betrayed you and I’m tired of Hongjoong not doing anything,” San said, a tone of irritation in his voice. 

Two sets of surprised eyes stared at San as he stood up, shoving Hongjoong away from the coffee maker towards Wooyoung. 

“Now talk.” 

Hongjoong sat down on San’s abandoned chair before facing Wooyoung. 

“Look, I’m sorry I never told you about Seonghwa. I know that its wrong but I can’t help it. He makes me so happy and I feel safe around him. No one’s ever made me feel the way he makes me feel,” a small smile graced Hongjoong’s features as he thought of the elder before quickly fading. “It’s in no way an excuse. I understand if you’re mad and never want to talk to me again.” 

Wooyoung faltered. “Don’t say that. Yeah I was upset that you never told me but the more I thought about it, it made sense. If it had been San in Seonghwa’s shoes, I don’t know if I would have told you about it either. So I’m sorry for lashing out at you and for storming out.” 

“Are we good now?” Hongjoong asked cautiously, finally meeting Wooyoung’s gaze. Wooyoung gave a hesitant nod of his head. 

“Yeah, I think we are.” Wooyoung smiled at Hongjoong as the other breathed deeply for the first time in days. 

“You love him don’t you?” San asked suddenly from his position agains the counter, eyes critically watching Hongjoong. 

Hongjoong faltered. 

“What?” He asked, confused. 

“You love Seonghwa.” This time it wasn’t a question. 

“No, no I don’t,” Hongjoong said. “I can’t.” He told his heart to stop beating so loudly in his chest as he wrung his hands in his lap. Maybe if he said it enough the feelings in his chest at the thought of the other would just go away. 

Wooyoung gave Hongjoong a sad smile as he patted his knee. 

“Just because you can’t doesn’t mean you don’t,” Wooyoung said. 

Fear crept up Hongjoong’s body, slowly choking him. 

“You don’t understand. I CAN’T love him. I just can’t. We’re too different. He can never be mine …and I can never be his.” Hongjoong was desperate. Desperate for them to understand, and even more so for them to stop with the questions. 

They seemed to have gotten the message, both just giving him pitying looks before changing the subject, saving Hongjoong from a realization he wasn’t ready to have. A realization he already, deep down inside himself, knew the answer to. 

***************************************

Work had dragged late into the night, the case they were working on taking longer than anyone had anticipated. All Hongjoong wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep for a couple years. 

Trudging down the hall towards his apartment he pulled his keys out of his pocket, hands stopping when he noticed his door was slightly ajar. He always made sure to lock it before he left so his senses were on high alert as he stepped away, taking out his phone. 

Without even thinking he dialed the first number that came to mind. 

“Hello? …Hongjoong?” Seonghwa’s voice sounded groggy on the other side, as if he’d been asleep. 

Relief washed over Hongjoong just at the sound of the other’s voice, though he was still overtly aware of his surroundings. 

“My door was open when I got home. Can you just… stay on the line with me?” He held his breath as he heard Seonghwa move. 

“Yeah of course. Be careful,” the other murmured. 

The little notion of concern that Seonghwa showed for Hongjoong caused the feeling of comfort to grow as he grabbed his keys tightly in his hand, gently opening the door. 

The apartment was silent, all the lights still off as Hongjoong carefully walked in, trying to keep as quiet as possible. Back against the wall, he looked over his shoulder into the living room, seeing nothing. Stepping away from the wall he faced the room, only to be grabbed from behind, knife held against his throat. 

Hongjoong gasped as he felt the cool metal of the knife against his skin, phone falling out of his hand as he clawed at the man’s arm. The man was significantly stronger than him though, lifting Hongjoong with ease until his feet were dangling, blood starting to flow as the knife broke through the skin. 

“Let. me. go.” Hongjoong hissed, kicking his leg back, hitting the man behind him in the shins. The man didn’t budge, instead tightening his grasp around Hongjoong’s middle. 

“In your dreams sweetheart,” he replied viciously, knocking the air out of him as he threw Hongjoong into one of the kitchen chairs. 

When the stranger finally faced Hongjoong he got a good look at him. A large nasty scar cut across his face accented his features, his stocky building making him a hard opponent, a grimy looking smile finishing the look. 

“You’re him aren’t you? The one that MARS keeps seeing? Some tiny police squirt? I imagined you to be more of a challenge,” The man hummed, eyeing Hongjoong wearily as the other fumed. But Hongjoong knew better than to let his mouth run, opting instead of observe the other’s movements, waiting for an opening. 

Said opening never came as the door to his apartment burst open, Seonghwa marching in, eyes immediately falling on Hongjoong before noticing the blood on his neck. Narrowing his eyes, Hongjoong could feel the silent rage rolling off the elder, as he stared down the intruder. Hongjoong couldn’t help the feeling of relief at the sight of Seonghwa. 

“Ah there you are. Took you longer than expected,” the stranger grinned, walking behind Hongjoong to place the knife on his neck again. 

Seonghwa stood there, calculating as he watched like a hawk, jaw clenching when the metal made contact with Hongjoong’s skin, fresh blood trickling down his throat. 

“What do you want with him? He’s just some nobody. Couldn’t have picked a more random person huh?” Seonghwa said cooly, nonchalant. 

The stranger faltered a little. 

“Don’t play coy with me. I know for a fact that you’ve visited him multiple times over the years. You can’t possibly think that the most notorious gang leader in the city wouldn’t have eyes on him 24/7 now do you?” The stranger smirked, tilting the knife a little causing Hongjoong to hiss at the stinging sensation. 

Seonghwa strode forward, confidence oozing off of him. 

“Don’t come closer or I will slit his throat. Won’t make a difference if he’s just a nobody right?” 

Seonghwa continued to advance, steps calculating. 

“Why are you so invested in this guy when you have no leverage on me? Killing him won’t change anything. Kill him or don’t, I don’t care,” Seonghwa said, raising an eyebrow as he waited for the other to respond. Hongjoong tried not to let his words sting, knowing that Seonghwa was attempting to ploy the stranger to let Hongjoong go, but deep in his heart he felt the words hurt. 

The stranger grit his teeth behind Hongjoong, letting go of the younger as he stood up, facing Seonghwa. Hongjoong let go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding as the two gang leaders faced each other. 

Seonghwa smirked at the stranger, causing the other to let out a grunt of rage before he barreled towards the elder, Seonghwa deflecting him as if it was nothing. In the blink of an eye, Seonghwa knocked the other’s legs out from under him, knife scattering across the floor towards Hongjoong as Seonghwa placed his foot on the other’s neck. 

“Next time think twice before attacking someone significantly stronger than you,” Seonghwa murmured, carefully placing his hands on the others face before snapping his neck. 

Hongjoong watched wide-eyed, oftentimes forgetting that Seonghwa was one of the most notorious criminals in the city. After checking to make sure the other was gone, Seonghwa stood up, walking towards Hongjoong with an unreadable expression on his face. It sent a small token of fear through him. 

“Don’t come any closer!” Hongjoong pressed the knife that he’d picked up off the floor against his throat, his skin stinging as the metal broke through it, observing Seonghwa’s reaction. 

Seonghwa froze on the spot. “Don’t be stupid,” he said softly. “Put it down. You don’t wanna hurt yourself, do you?”

Some unknown feeling settled in Hongjoong’s stomach, something dark and desperate. He was right—Seonghwa hadn’t really come to save him. He’d come to protect his image. 

“No. But I don’t think you’re going to make me go that far. You don’t want me hurt.” 

He didn’t really understand why. He just knew it was true. 

Seonghwa stood in shocked silence, eyes never leaving the knife as desperation filled Hongjoong. Desperation with a healthy dose of fear. 

“Hongjoong, just… put it down. Please.” Seonghwa was pleading, Hongjoong realized with a start. He never pleaded. Why was he doing that?

Hongjoong watched Seonghwa carefully as the other slowly approached, eyes wide, hands reaching towards the knife. Hongjoong’s hands started shaking. From what he didn’t know. 

“Stop. Stop right there,” Hongjoong said, though it came out no louder than a whisper. He hated himself for it. 

Seonghwa stopped immediately, eyes still apprehensive towards the weapon as he waited for Hongjoong to react. 

“Why?” was all he was able to say. Seonghwa waited for Hongjoong to elaborate, to say more, but he didn’t. 

“Why what sweetheart?” 

Tears started filling in Hongjoong’s eyes as he watched the other, his emotions running all over the place. 

“Why didn’t you want me hurt? Why did you come after me? Why are you still coming after me? Why are you here? What do I _mean_ to you?” Hongjoong’s voice got progressively louder before he finally broke down, the hand holding the knife falling limply to his side. 

Tears now streamed freely down his face as he watched Seonghwa’s shocked form in front of him. In the span of seconds he watched Seonghwa’s face contort into a variety of emotions that he couldn’t decipher before he settled on one of resignation. Hongjoong hated that expression. 

Unable to hold himself up any longer Hongjoong fell to the ground, knife sliding out of his grasp as he brought his hands up to wipe away the tears on his face. He barely noticed Seonghwa still standing less than five feet away from him, hands cliched into firsts at his sides as he was facing his own inner turmoil. 

“Because I love you.” The words were whispered but Hongjoong heard them clear as day. 

Everything stopped. 

Watery eyes looked up at Seonghwa’s torn face. 

“You what?”

Seonghwa sighed, running a hand through his hair. 

“Shit. I never wanted to tell you that.” He ran a frustrated hand down his face, his hair a mess from where he’d been yanking on it a few seconds ago. He walked over to where Hongjoong sat crumpled on the floor, kneeling in front of the shocked boy. 

“I love you Kim Hongjoong. I fell in love with you the second I saw you in that coffee shop all those years ago. God I couldn’t take my eyes off you.” Seonghwa huffed out a laugh at the memory, reaching up and gently placing his hand on Hongjoong’s cheek. “You’re perfect in every way possible.” 

Hongjoong reached his hand up, intertwining his fingers with Seonghwa’s before leaning into the other’s touch. 

“Then why?”

Seonghwa leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on Hongjoong’s forehead before he proceeded to wipe the others tears away with the utmost of care. 

“Because I didn’t have a choice.” 

And Hongjoong understood. Clearer than any night sky he understood. But in that very moment, red lines from the knife still present on his neck he also understood another thing: he was irrevocably in love with the man in front of him. And that scared him more than anything else ever could. 

“Seonghwa… I don’t know if I can love you.” Hongjoong’s tear stained eyes met Seonghwa’s gentle ones as Hongjoong felt his heart break. “I’ve spent so much time convincing myself that I can’t love you… because of what we are…that I don’t know if…if I’m capable of loving you.” 

The hands on his face pulled him closer, Hongjoong burying his face into Seonghwa’s chest as the other started stroking his hair. Breathing in the other’s scent, Hongjoong immediately felt calmer, hugging Seonghwa he clutched onto the others shirt, pulling him as close as possible. 

“I don’t expect you to love me, Hongjoong. That would be selfish of me,” Seonghwa murmured into Hongjoong’s hair. 

“Can’t you for once, be a little selfish?” Hongjoong asked hesitantly. 

Seonghwa chuckled softly, resting his forehead against Hongjoong’s before pressing his lips to the younger’s. Their languid kissing took on an undertone of something more desperate, a need to be closer as Seonghwa tugged on Hongjoong’s bottom lip, using the others gasp to explore his mouth. Hongjoong tangled his fingers into Seonghwa’s hair, tilting his head for a better angle as he groaned quietly, Seonghwa grinning into the kiss at Hongjoong’s noises. 

A rush of emotions filled Hongjoong, a sense of uncertainty overwhelming all others as the two of them marched into uncharted territory. 

They eventually parted to breathe, neither moving far as they shared the same air, staring deep into each other’s eyes. 

Seonghwa was the first to break the silence. 

“I have to leave,” he said remorsefully, eyes clenched shut as if in pain. 

Hongjoong had anticipated as much. Admitting that they had feelings for each other was a ticking time bomb. It would only be a matter of time before someone tried to use Hongjoong to get to Seonghwa again. 

He closed his eyes before he released his breath, nodding his head in understanding. 

“Will you wait for me?” The words were hushed, quiet, as Hongjoong noticed Seonghwa’s hands shake a little. He seemed uncertain. 

Despite his fear of loving Seonghwa, not being able to give the elder everything he wants to give, his fear that their jobs and the secrecy will prevent him from admitting his feelings, Hongjoong knows that his feelings are deeper than anything he’d ever experienced before. 

Taking Seonghwa’s hands in his, Hongjoong replied “Even if it takes a thousand years, I will be here, waiting for you to return to me.” Hongjoong knows, in some deep part of him, he’d wait forever if Seonghwa asked it of him. 

Seonghwa intertwined their fingers, looking down at their hands. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to Hongjoong’s gently, just holding them there as if cherishing their last moment together. 

Tears welled up in Hongjoong’s eyes before they started silently cascading down his cheeks. 

“I need you to close your eyes and count to ten. Can you do that for me?” Seonghwa murmured once they had separated, his breath still warm on Hongjoong’s cheek. 

The younger nodded his head, knowing his voice would betray him if he tried. 

“One…” 

He felt Seonghwa press his lips to his forehead. 

“Two…” 

The elder moved away from him, his body cold on all the places where they had touched. 

“Three…” 

Hongjoong painfully counted down the numbers. By the time he reached ten he opened his eyes slowly, noting how the body was gone and the apartment looked exactly as it always did. 

He’d never felt so lonely. 

************************************

Keys jingled in the lock as Hongjoong opened his door, depositing his bag on the floor before entering into his apartment. Everything was dark and he appreciated it that way, his head pounding from another exhausting day at work coupled with lack of sleep. The copious amount of caffeine he’d consumed to stay awake was also catching up to him. 

Groaning when he opened the fridge door, he quickly grabbed a bottle of water before closing it, eyeing the calendar on the back. He’d marked the days, counting how long the other had been gone. 

It’s been four years since he last saw or heard from Seonghwa. In the dark silence of his apartment he allowed his mind to wander to the elder, wondering what the other was up to and how he was doing. A sad smile graced his features as he thought of him, giving himself that moment to bask in his memories. 

All too soon they were gone, replaced with his longing to see the other again. He missed him. 

Sighing he left the kitchen, throwing himself down on his bed before falling into a fitful sleep. 

The first few months after Seonghwa left were dreadful. Hongjoong barely slept, constantly hoping to wake up to a note on his bedside table or a button thrown carelessly on his floor. Whenever he opened his apartment door, he would look around, expecting to find Seonghwa lounging on his couch or sitting in the kitchen. And it pained him every time when the disappointment caught up to him, choking him, reminding him that Seonghwa was gone. 

Wooyoung and San came over frequently, both having noticed the shift in Hongjoong’s behavior. Most of the time they brought over food to make sure the other had eaten, knowing full well that Hongjoong was incapable of taking care of himself even in the best of times, opting to chug coffee instead of sleep or not eating for days. 

One night they brought over alcohol, hoping to ease Hongjoong’s pain a little. And it worked, though a little too well seeing as Hongjoong got drunk off his ass before Wooyoung and San were even tipsy. 

“Are you okay Hongjoong?” San asked cautiously as Hongjoong downed vodka out of the bottle, Wooyoung immediately plucking the bottle out of the other’s hand. 

“That’s enough of that for you,” Wooyoung grumbled, moving the bottle out of Hongjoong’s reach as the other pouted, making grabby hands towards the alcohol. 

“’s not…ok…” Hongjoong mumbled, eyes half closed as he leaned on San’s shoulder. “SeoNg-hwa… gone. It hurtsssss…” 

San and Wooyoung gave each other a knowing look. 

“We know it hurts. But it will get better. With time…”

“NO!” Hongjoong yelled, pushing off San who had to reach out a hand to steady the other. “I love him…*burp*… I dont want… hurting… to stop…Makes it seem… like he’s really… gone,” Hongjoong tapered off before he broke down. 

San stared at him in shock as Hongjoong broke down, sobs wracking his body as the alcohol allowed his emotions to escape. Wooyoung was quick to react, pulling the other into a tight hug as he shushed him, running a soothing hand down his back. 

“It’s going to be alright. You said he told you to wait right? That means he’s coming back. He wouldn’t leave you,” Wooyoung said comfortingly, holding his friend close. 

Only half an hour later Hongjoong was sleeping on his bathroom floor, sweaty hair plastered to his forehead, toilet bowl open in case he started vomiting out his stomach again. 

As much as he hated to admit it though, San and Wooyoung were right. Time went on and Hongjoong stopped expecting Seonghwa to show up. He was able to come home without looking behind corners, was able to order takeout without moving to ask Seonghwa what he wanted. Most importantly, he stopped crying himself to sleep, though he still allowed his thoughts to linger on the elder at night. 

What he realized after the night he got drunk was how much he wished he’d had the guts to tell Seonghwa he loved him. How much he wished he’d taken the chance, to put his heart out there for Seonghwa to take. But he was a coward. 

A coward afraid to love. 

On the four year mark on the day that Seonghwa had left, Hongjoong’s sitting at work, his desk piled high with cases that he needed to sort through. Wooyoung came in around midday from working outside, large cup of coffee in hand as he’d noticed Hongjoong’s eye bags that morning. Hongjoong could not be more grateful for a friend like him as he downed his coffee, Wooyoung wondering how he didn’t burn his tongue off in the process. 

“Yo slow down! You’ll burn your tongue off!” Wooyoung held his hands up in a gesture for Hongjoong to stop chugging his coffee. The elder just laughed him off, motioning for the younger to get back to work. 

Wooyoung snorted before leaning on Hongjoong’s desk, saying “There’s someone waiting for you out front. Said you were expecting him.” 

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow at him, confused, before shrugging. Gingerly getting up from his desk, he stretched, groaning as the joints in his back popped before he grabbed his ID, heading towards the front of the station. 

It was a beautiful sunny day, the sun greeting him as he shades his eyes, trying to see who this visitor was. 

His heart stopped. 

Standing there, at the bottom of the steps, was Seonghwa. His hair had grown a little in the time they’d been apart, falling into his eyes as he looked around nervously, hands shoved into the pockets of his blazer. The elder’s eyes widened slightly when he noticed Hongjoong, giving the other a hesitant smile. 

Fear coursed through Hongjoong’s body, feeling as if he’d bathed in ice cold water as his body started moving separate from his mind. All he knew was that he needed to get Seonghwa out of there. 

“What-“ 

“You need to leave. Now. You can’t be here,” Hongjoong hissed as he grabbed Seonghwa’s arm, dragging the other away from the station. He looked around anxiously, eyeing all the other police officers teeming in the parking lot. 

Seonghwa allowed himself to be pulled, Hongjoong only calming down once they were three blocks away from the station in a small park. 

He spun around, eyes sharp as he stared Seonghwa down. “Are you out of your mind?! What were you doing at the police station? You’re going to get caught.” Panic was still burning hot through his veins, his hands itching to take Seonghwa even further away as he kept looking around, making sure no one had followed them. 

A sad smile appeared on Seonghwa’s face as he took Hongjoong’s trembling hands in his, rubbing soothing circles into his skin. 

“I’m not going to get caught.”

Hongjoong just stared at him in disbelief. 

“How can you say that? You’re one of the most wanted criminals in the city! They’d arrest you in a heartbeat! You can’t possibl-“ 

Seonghwa squeezed his hands, effectively shutting him up. 

“While I find it endearing that you care so much, I’m not going to get caught Hongjoong. For the past couple years, I’ve been working with the police. I wanted to be a man that you could openly be with, that could love you like you deserve,” Seonghwa said, looking down at their intertwined hands. 

Hongjoong couldn’t help the shock on his face at Seonghwa’s words. 

“What do you mean you’ve been working with the police? What the fuck is going on Seonghwa? You’ve got a lot of explaining to do,” Hongjoong huffed. 

Carefully Seonghwa lead Hongjoong to a bench nearby, sitting them both down. After taking a deep breath, he started. 

“When I met you all those years ago, I knew you were the one. No one else had made me feel so special and welcome. I felt like I could be myself with you. After I showed up at your apartment drunk that one time, I knew that there would never be anyone else.” Seonghwa paused, avoiding Hongjoong’s eyes before continuing. 

“I started working with the police after that incident. Basically I made a pact with them: if I helped them catch the gang leaders in the city and work with them to prevent further gang activities in the city, they would lighten my sentence for all my previous crimes. That’s why I had to leave. I spent the last four years serving my sentence. The rest of it will be spent working with the police.” 

Cautious eyes slowly met shocked ones as Seonghwa turned to gauge Hongjoong’s reaction before continuing. 

“I want to love you Hongjoong. I wanted to become a man who you could openly love and who could openly love you, not someone you have to keep secret, someone dirty. You made me want to be a better person Hongjoong, someone deserving of you. I-“ 

Seonghwa couldn’t finish his thoughts because Hongjoong had pulled him close, crashing their lips together. Feelings of relief washed through both of them. After so long being apart they were finally in each other’s arms. 

Their heavy breathing filled the space between them when they finally parted, Hongjoong just repeating the phrase “I love you” over and over again. Seonghwa couldn’t help the blissful smile on his face as he heard Hongjoong utter the words, his heart singing. 

He never saw the others hand coming before it smacked him in the shoulder. 

“Don’t you ever leave me again,” Hongjoong hissed, fake angry as Seonghwa fully belly laughed before kissing the pout off the others face. 

“I love you Kim Hongjoong. I will never leave you again.” 

Seonghwa loved him properly that night. And for the first time, Hongjoong woke up in the other’s arms. 

He felt safe, cared for, but most importantly…

Loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! While I might not be able to see who reads it, know that I appreciate you! 
> 
> I want to thank you, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart. I spent a lot of time on this piece and knowing that you finished it fills my heart with joy! 
> 
> Make sure you have a wonderful day and stay safe and healthy!


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